Life Long Problem

It is my lifelong obsession to make people around be, particularly my clique, know what I know. Its like an illness. I am obsessed with teaching and telling others the trick and trade I have. Its not the kind of teaching as teacher or lecturer. Those are boring job. They don't teach according to what their heart tells them to teach. They are a scripted.

This obsession grew stronger when I was about mid teen, perhaps 13 onwards. Equally, my hunger for knowledge grew stronger. I wanted to know many things. My favorite areas of reading are Inventions, Physics, Astronomy, Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, Poetry, Literature,... I read my elder brother's Macbeth when I was 11. Learn English from black and white TV. I was so fascinated with engine, I opened my dad's rice mill's engine. Did experiment that nearly killed me. Obsession and curiosity overwhelmed me so much until I lost my logic sometimes. I saw an exposed electric mains wire one day, and decided to touch one of the wire. So I touched them. It was the greatest shock in my life, that I still freak out when comes to electricity.

When I was about 10, I got hold of a magnifying glass. So interesting piece of object. I plotted one of Orion's star trajectory by tracing the movement of the star focused on a white paper through the magnifying glass. Pretty interesting curiosity.

But my love for mathematics is really pushed my obsession to teach and share my maths skills with my close cliques who are younger than me. I remember stealing chalks, colored chalks from school and bring it home. There was a small 'class' with a small plywood where I teach maths skills. I wonder if any of my 'students' still uses that skill today.

I was also obsessed with knowing all things. And I found out that I can't master any one of them. Up to just knowing them. I can go deep if I wanted too, but normally I give up when I know it. I wanted to do so many. I have so many things to do until I feel that I have so less time. I can't manage my time. Managing time is something bad for me because I don't like to feel like being 'trapped'. I want to do thing as I please. I have many things to do. My head is full of to do list. I don't know where to begin.

I am frustrated most of the time because I don't feel being understood. No one will ever agrees if I say that I thrive when I am alone. Some said messy desk mean messy head. That is certainly true for my case.

I wish I am still a kid. I have all my attention for my self. I still want to know all things though, and want to to many things. I wonder if I am obsessed with problem or I have problem with obsession. Whatever it is, it is a problem.