My Wish

Genius is by genes, and genius is also by they way one grew up. Genius is a quality of mind both derived by genes and also circumstances. Genius is not only about darn good in maths, or physics, or arts, or other fields and disciplines. Genius is about ability of oneself to define his or her own field of excellence. Manifestation of the field of excellence is often visible or sense-able even when one is still small or extremely young. However, everyone have the tendency to become normal (with exceptional ability in some areas), thus genius at the beginning may end up normal at the end.

Genius is not about ace-ing an exam, even though there is some significant correlation between genius and ace-ing an exam. However, the are higher correlation between genius and mental disturbance, or some kind of handicap (by mean of social).  It is this 'difference' from normal human that drive normal human to push genius to become normal. Often parents, brothers and sisters, and relatives are the one number one enemies of the genius.

The number one problem with genius is Hunger. Extreme hunger for information. They want information, not knowledge. And one advantage that genius had over normal people is the ability to connect every dot and ends of every information they had into one piece of knowledge without intervention from anybody. It is this ability that no one are able to measure with respect to age. Genius have this quality from the beginning.

Well, I wish my dad was Michio Kaku, and my gradpa was Albert Einstein; I wish my mom was Marie Curie.  I wish that one of my ancestor was Fermat, and Leibniz, and I am relative to Galileo. And how I wish that Leonardo DaVinci is my granpa in my mom's side. I am sure life will be much different.

Instead, I was brought up in an environment where there is constant struggle to live. There is no space to become different. No sign of genius ever known in that environment. Being different is wrong. I used to get angry when I think back those days.


But now I understand, that those days are not the time to be different. Nobody give a damn anyhow. I though to my self, while one is still living, it will never too late to be different.

Of there is no other ways...

I was thinking if death is the answer of all the mess I did. Logically, it will solve my problem, but it will hurt them more. Personally, I am not afraid of dying, because I don't have the sense of heaven or hell. But if I want to take my own life, I want a quick death. I don't want to feel pain.


Rationally, is it worth it to die?

But whatever it is, if I ever want to end my life, I will make sure that I got to say a proper goodbye to Achel, Gracie and my wife. For even though for them it seems that they are not everything to me, for me they are everything even though it is not in any of the expression I have showed them.

My Dear Achel

I still remembers the day I sent Achel home from school, a few weeks before I was about to go abroad. Gracie was still small at that time, but strong enough to stand up.

I took along with me my camera. So I was taking picture of Achel and Gracie. Achel pull gracie out from her swing, Gracie was half awake I guess. I took pictures of them, and Achel was having fun. I did not see Achel much for several months because I was squatting in Frics labs go finish up my project before I go away.

I spend quite a while at home playing with Achel. She was so happy. She was about between 5 to 6 years old. Then I told her that I had to go back to the office. She was a bit angry and wanted me not to go. And she asked me to go to the kitchen and eat lunch. I guess the only moment she felt as a family is when all of us, before Gracie was born, sat together at the dining table in the morning or lunch and have meal together. I still remembers that, and I am very sad. I had class so I told her that I had to go back to the office. As I entered my car, she was at the door, with Gracie holding her trying to stand still, and I still remembers Achel facial expression vividly until now. It was an expression of sadness because she probably knew that I may not be at home again that evening. I took picture of her.

I think Achel feels that I have neglected her, and I think I probably have neglected her, Gracie and my dearest wife. Now, no matter how fun it was and how happy Achel is when I bring her to book store or to KFC, I guess that the cautious feeling that I might not be at home in the evening is still in her head.


I realise that I have to mend that, and I had to mend my wife's hurt too.